This is why your driving annoys me

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Philosophy

When I talk to my wife on the phone while driving, it always annoys her when I talk about driving.  So, while I’m not blogging while driving, sorry hun for talking about driving.

A Letter to Every Driver Who Has Ever Pissed Me Off:

Dear Assclown,

I’m a simple guy, with simple taste.  I like to get my way just as much as the next guy, and I’d like to pretend that the rules are different for me than they are for everyone else.  I am held, however, to some standard–moral isn’t the right word, because this isn’t necessarily a moral issue.  Perhaps it’s a standard of practicality, or of decency.  Either way, I have compiled a list of things that irritated me about your driving, things that I can’t comprehend someone else being “OK” with:
  1. You cut me off: This is perhaps the most obvious of the bunch.  I don’t care how much of a hurry you think you’re in…fact of the matter is, the chance that you swerving into my lane actually got you to your destination faster is unlikely.  Don’t you think there are other people who have places to be?  For instance, I was just trying to get home, see my family, have dinner.  Sure, maybe you were rushing to the hospital because your kid fell off his bike, but considering who is raising him, he was likely being a jerk to some other kid on the sidewalk.  
  2. You drove on the shoulder to avoid traffic: Really?  Who does that??  Please refer to my first paragraph which suggests that you aren’t nearly as important as you think you are.  I have no doubt that this little stunt of yours got you to your destination sooner than if you had sat in 3 miles of stop-and-go traffic, but there are at least a thousand other drivers who think you are a complete tool.  Again, we all WANT to do it, but we have standards.
  3. You didn’t turn right on red, even though you were clearly allowed to: I’m probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should be, but if there isn’t a sign that reads “No Turn on Red,” or better yet, if there is a sign that reads “No Turn on Red Except Curb Lane,” please do not make me sit behind your stupid ass and wait for you to pick the next song on your iPhone or finish reading the morning paper (reading in the car should be another point, but there are a lot of things that are just common sense).  You’d probably be amazed at what you would discover if you remove your head from your ass.
  4. You didn’t pull up into the intersection while waiting to turn left on a green light: This is another one of those things about treating others with importance too. The guy behind you may not be able to see oncoming traffic, so give him a chance to make the light too by pulling up.  Legally, it’s what you’re supposed to do–I had a cop tell me after I was in an accident where someone ran a red light and hit me head-on.  And even though that happened in a situation when I pulled into the intersection, I still do it–I’m not scarred.  Anyway, this is what you’re supposed to do, so why don’t you do it?
  5. You played into a stereotype that is causing me to stereotype others: Yes, it’s your fault.  If you’re a woman, please don’t drive like an idiot.  I’m not saying all woman drivers are idiots–I’m saying that when I see an idiot driver who happens to be a woman, and then I see a second idiot driver who also happens to be a woman, I am less surprised because two women just played into that stereotype.  The same is true for Asian drivers and old people–why don’t you guys think outside the box for once?  If this offends you, good.  I’m not sorry.  Don’t make it harder on yourself than it already is.
  6. You rode in an exit only lane for a half mile before cutting over last-minute to avoid traffic:  Again, decency.  Get some.  Nobody thinks you’re important, and we all hate you.
  7. You rode in an exit only lane for a half mile before cutting over last-minute because you’re an idiot: If there’s one place you should pay attention, it’s on the road where you are a danger to other drivers.  While I’m driving, I’m spending most of my time thinking about when to do what.  Driving should never be relaxed–you should be aware of your surroundings, and most specifically, what other drivers may be doing to stay as far away from you as possible.  I sometimes wonder if I were to take a video of you and show it to you after the fact, perhaps changing the color of your car or the make entirely–if the driver (who you didn’t know was actually you) would irritate you as much as you irritate me…I somehow doubt it. 
  8. You ran a REALLY red light because you didn’t want to wait another 3 minutes, and in doing so, the back-end of your car is completely blocking my lane: What makes you think you’re more special than me?  If you’re in such a freakin hurry, leave work 5 minutes sooner and drive like a civilized human being.  Stop getting in my way, and everyone else’s.  Did you know that you, and drivers like you, are the reason for traffic jams?  If everyone behaved like people who deserved and appreciated their driver’s licenses, most normal traffic problems would cease.  If everyone behaved like you, the healthcare, automotive, insurance and legal industries would all get a major boost.  Stop being stupid.
  9. You cut into my lane while turning, even though there is a freakin line painted on the road: Did you know that my insurance company can’t prove that you were driving like an idiot?  Did you know that everyone I know thinks you’re a horrible person for outright lying to your insurance company?  Did you know that you are one of the biggest reason that we need to file a police report every time we’re in even a minor fender bender, all because you don’t have the courtesy to own up to something that you were solely responsible for?  You told your insurance company that you didn’t even see me–then you told them that I drove into your lane.  I’m trying to understand how both of those things can be true, and more importantly, how your insurance company isn’t seeing right through that bullshit.  Your existence irritates me to no end, and is going to cost me $500.  Thanks for being a bad person.

Note that I don’t mention driving while talking on the phone as being of particular concern to me–that’s because I do it to.  I do it with a hands-free device, the way it should be done, if it’s more than a couple-minute conversation. Sometimes, my hands-free device isn’t available, and I make do in those situations.  But if you’re one of those, and you know who I’m talking about, please put the freakin phone down and pay attention to what you’re doing.  If you’re texting at a red light, I’m ok with it–or in stop-and-go traffic.  But if you’re texting on the highway while cruising at 70, do us all a favor and drive your car into a river, where you can’t hurt anyone but yourself.

I’m not trying to be a jerk…I just want my ride to work to make more sense than it does now.  Thanks for reading, drive safe, be well and stay tuned.


Jake Daum

  1. Janine Daum says:

    Somebody is a little bit angry……:)

  2. Megan says:

    Agree with everything. I’ve been pissed at 75% of this things myself lately.
    I read some blog awhile back that said something about men having road rage much more than women. But I don’t think this person, who was supposed to know what he was talking about, had a very long daily commute. Or lived in Ohio. Most all the drivers who tail me , cut me off etc and who I can then look at are surprisingly women. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

  3. […] month.  The self-realization part is rolling this out to other aspects of thought and action, like avoiding road rage even when that asshole driver behind you deserves a flat tire, or eliminating frivolous spending from your monthly budget.  I’m hopeful that I can […]

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